tespu

hmph.

never imagined I'd ever be upset over such a stupid thing.

Today ximeng dislocated her shoulder in class, god, it
was dam scary even though I've looked at worse injuries.
Never in my life have I EVER had to treat a dislocation!
Nor have I ever encountered one. Nobody taught me how
to either. Isn't courage and brute force all that's needed?
I'm so dam sorry I've got none of the above -.-"

I felt so.. insulted. So... upset, when I heard someone say
something. Don't feel like revealing who, but if you ever
find out who you are, DAMN YOU!!! GRRR. you're lucky
I forgive easily.

Because of your own personal feelings, don't think I don't
know, you chose to be so "harsh" on me. Yeah you may
think I'm sensitive, but I felt like punching you with that
sort of tone that you used. I'm so sorry for being a girl,
so UNDARING and WEAK. Just because I'm a first-aider
I'm not allowed to feel fear? anguish? anxiety? uncertainty?
Just because I'm a first-aider, for not being of help to
someone despite trying to actually PUSH THE FREAKING
BONE (ANY IDEA HOW TERRIFIED I WAS?!), I'm the
worst? So much worst than all the other girls and guys who
were sitting in their own seats and performing eye power?
cowering in fright too? If you're all that great, why the hell
didn't you stand up and push the bone back? you have no
rights to "wah lao" me. Bastard.

My heart was crying at me, telling me to help her, when I
saw her tearing face. My hands refused to move, they were
totally tembling in fear. She cried, and looking at her hurts,
physically and mentally. I'm a first aider, if I'm not calm,
she'll just be more frantic and that'd worsen everything. I
was completely fighting back my own consciousness and
reaching forward to try to push back her bone. Fighting
back my tears as well. It was ... difficult. I scream at rats
and lizards and cockroaches, everyone who knows me well
know just how terrified I am of blood. What makes you
think its all that easy for me when I treat casualties? Clean-
ing up the bleeding in wounds... calming not only myself,
but the casualty down. Dislocations.. are you kidding me?
Do I look like I'm fond of science? fond of medicine? fond
of being a doctor? It wasn't easy for me at all, and there you
were, mocking me like a useless person. Someone's who's
training has all been redundant. It must be obvious now
isn't it? If you're ever reading this.

DON'T FORCE ME WITH THOSE WORDS EVER AGAIN.

Today was a completely scary day. The first ever
injury that left me trembling with so much fear.

Is this how it feels to be useless when others are in danger?

Well, thank god tianqi fixed it.
I think I finally breathed